This has been a day of crying…….crying,
crying, and some more crying. Just haven’t
wanted to write about it.
I got up this morning and
felt good. I decided it was time to try
to get my hair washed and look presentable again. I hadn’t even taken any Tylenol when I went
to bed last night. So I took a shower,
dried my hair, and styled it a little bit.
It looked pretty good from the front.
And then there is the back……always
the back! :)
A dear friend called me from
Little River and updated me on the happenings there. She said, “I hear you are coming home soon!” I told her that I sure hoped to be able to
after the 15th. It was so
nice to talk to her. I was telling her
how I hated to miss all the Christmas festivities that were going on there!
As soon as I got my hair
fixed we went out to eat breakfast at Einstein’s Bagels. Today was to be the warmest day of the week,
so we decided to get to the grocery store.
Later this week, snow is forecasted.
Yikes! Not ready for that. All I have here are 3 long sleeve T-shirts
and a couple zip-up sweat shirts. I
figured we could get home before the really cold weather set it.
We had not been back long from
the bagel place when I got a call from Dr. Mammen’s office. It was his PA, Dr. Ramero. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was good. The 1st couple of days were rough,
but I was doing good now. She then said that the pathology report was back from
last Wednesday’s surgery, and the margins were not clear. WHAT?????
NOT . CLEAR!!!! My whole world
came crashing down around me and turned upside down. She said I needed to come to his office this
Thursday at 1:50 and talk about the next surgery, and it would involve the
plastic surgeon. It never occurred to me
that he might not have gotten it all – just never entered my mind! I hung up the phone and wailed! I cried and I cried and I cried. How could this be?????? Why, why, why????? God, I can’t do this anymore!!!! I just . can’t . do . this!!!!
I don’t want any more surgery!!!!!!
How can I do this all over again?????
It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair!!!!! I thought I was through with all this and
going to be able to go home!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
After I basically just couldn’t
cry any more, I called her back – got a voice mail, but she did call back fairly
soon. I told her I was in such shock
when I talked to her, but I needed her to know that we could NOT wait on this
next surgery. This cancer was viscous,
and I could not wait until it went to my skull again. I said If I waited until Thursday and then
had to wait another week for the surgery, that was too long. I made sure she knew that this was
URGENT!!! I would come tomorrow if there
was an opening. She assured me that she
was working diligently to set everything up.
She had tried to contact the plastic surgeon, but he was in
surgery. She said he was good about
getting back to her. Dr. Mammen was out
of town tomorrow, so the surgery would not be then. She did say that sometimes he does surgery in
the evenings if he cannot get on the daytime schedule. I said that was fine – I would come in in the
middle of the night if I needed to! I
just wanted this done ASAP! I didn’t
want it to go far enough that he would have to do another FLAP! YOU CAN’T HAVE MY RIGHT ARM FOR A
FLAP!!!!! My right arm is MINE!!!! She thought that even though it would require
some plastic surgery, it probably would just require a graft. There’s no guarantee, of course. The plan would most likely be Dr. Mammen
removing more tissue. Then he would wait
for the path report to make sure it was clear.
Then Przylecki would do the closure with a graft. Thus 2 more surgeries. And another donor site to heal. *sigh*
I talked with Guy and
cried. I talked with my daughter and
cried. I talked with my sister and
cried. I texted with my son who was in
NY waiting for his flight home. I got
two cards from my sister today – both of which I needed, but made me cry.
I have pretty much spent the
day grieving. Grieving the loss of
continued recovery. Grieving the loss of
going home for Christmas. Grieving the
loss of more of my scalp! Grieving over yet ANOTHER setback. Grieving over the
thought of more pain.
God……are you there????????
Until now, I’ve been
disappointed that I had to take chemo.
Now……I’m practically begging for it.
As soon as these surgeries are over, let’s get that show on the
road. KILL this viscous monster!!!!!!
I just don’t know what else
to say………
As always, I’m in His hands……..but
I don’t feel like it right now!!
No comments:
Post a Comment