Rough days......

I hardly know where to start.  Last week was a disaster.  The 1^st3 days I thought I might die and was afraid I wouldn’t.  Guy finally took me to McPherson ER Wednesday evening.  An angel of a doctor, the sweetest, most compassionate and knowledgeable lady literally saved my life – physically and emotionally.  She taught me so much, gave me encouragement and pep talks and medication to apply to my painful areas.  I’m pretty sure I would have given up if it had not been for her. She gave me my hope back. Thursday and Friday were a bit better.  Mark came for a visit, and that helped so much.  Also, the ER doctor told me not to be afraid to take that sleeping pill that that had been ordered for me, so I did, and I began to FINALLY get some very much needed sleep.  I’m sure that helped a lot.  

Thursday evening, I had this major coughing spell – have not been coughing. It scared to death.  I couldn’t get my breath.  I thought I was going to have to go back to the ER.  I guess I just had a panic attack – never had one of those before, either.  I finally pulled myself out of it by just doing some slow deep breathing.  Whew!

By Sunday I woke up feeling like I could go to church and SS.  I didn’t feel like I could play, but decided I would try.  My hands are very broken out, and my finger tips are very tender – can’t button or open anything. I keep them slathered in Vitamin E oil and aloe.  The redness has faded a bit, but still very painful. Nails look terrible – will probably lose some on my left hand.

 This was a week ago - more white showing now.

I got lab work done on Thursday and my counts were down again, so had to start the granix shots daily for 5 days.  With the histamine from those, the allergy symptoms began.  The biggest issue I’m dealing with right now is my eyes. The skin all around them and the eyelids are very dry, skin drawing and wrinkling, and peeling all around.  (have to scroll below for picture) With that, is watering and itching. Miserable!  The underarm rash is now tolerable, and somewhat easier sitting. I don’t know how much of these side effects is due to the chemo or the granix shots.  

I’m not sure the chemo is keeping up with the cancer anymore.  It seems that my forehead is darkening back to more purple, even though I’ve lost about 3 scabs.  I sent Dr. Powers my Sunday evening pictures telling him I wasn’t sure I could do another chemo round if the side effects continue to be cumulative. I have not heard from him.  I suspect he doesn’t know what to tell me. It makes me wonder if this is the last trick in his bag, and he has nothing else to offer me.  Since I am scheduled to have one more round of chemo before I see him, and one more round is not going to clear the cancer, it may be the beginning of the end.  The scan of my chest when I see him will probably tell a lot.

I read an article about essential oils (frankincense, in particular) and cancer. Many examples were given of people who were completely cured by its use.  I have lot of oils, so I figured it couldn’t hurt.  I’ve picked out three areas on my face and head and have been applying frankincense 3 times a day for about 3 days.  I sent Dr. Powers the link to that article and asked what he thought. Still haven’t heard from him.  I won’t go into the details as to how frank works, but there is physiological evidence.  Physiological evidence always perks up my ears, because I can understand that.  I figured I have nothing to lose.  I don’t believe it can hurt anything.  It at least makes me feel like I am actively doing something, because I just don’t feel like this chemo is doing the trick – the cure is worse than the disease right now. 

Well, enough whining for now.  There have been some really God-sent good times.  As I said, I was able to go to church.  Also, Christmas Eve was one of the best times I’ve had in a very long time.  Mark and Amy were here.  Mark spent much of the day cooking.  He cooked big pot of potato soup to take to Amy’s parents for Christmas day.  For us, he grilled bacon-wrapped filets, cooked fresh green beans, made an onion and fresh mushrooms glaze/gravy for the steaks, and helped my make a peach/blueberry/pear tart.  Dorothy (lady here in town) had brought a potato/cheese/ hamburger casserole and sausage with kraut.  The children across the street brought the yummiest variety of cookies.  Burt, Guy’s 90+ year old cousin, brought fresh rolls, and cinnamon rolls, and Kay (neighbor) brought cinnamon rolls a couple days ago. We are just overwhelmed by the generosity and thoughtfulness of the people here!!!

After we ate, we opened gifts, took family pictures and all sat around and talked and reminisced until nearly midnight. We laughed and laughed. Some of the things I remembered, some I didn’t, and some I never know about!  It was just what the doctored ordered for me!!  Just can’t describe how much that meant to me.

 Annie photo-bombing 😀

Warm, fuzzy Mukluks

Another highlight of my evening was facetiming with my sister who had been invited to one of my best friends’ home in Alabama for the evening. This is the most wonderful Christian family that I’ve been acquainted with since she had her first child, Courtney, and followed her through the next 13 children.  With most of her deliveries, I was able to assign one of my students to care for her.  She always looked forward to that.  While living in Alabama, I grew so close to this family.  Tracy tells me there is not a day that goes by without one of her children asking about me.  It was so delightful to visit with some of the girls, and then Colleen sent me pictures and a video of them all singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” to me!  How I miss this lovely family.  Just really added to my evening. ( hope this video comes through)

Also got some lovely pictures of Jeannine and the girls and their 1^st Christmas in their new home.  Sofia in short sleeves and shorts in Dec.! 😀

Glad they were able to make some great memories.  Jeannine sent me videos of Maya (13) singing 1 soprano in her honor choir. She was singing her little heart out – never once looked down at the music in her hands.  I’ll see if I can upload it here.  She is on the front row wearing the green hat with flashing lights – can’t miss her!

Mark and Amy left Christmas morning and went to Hutch to her parents. I got up and ate my usual oatmeal, but lay down in the recliner and didn’t wake up until about 1:00.  After eating a little lunch, I went back to the recliner and slept the rest of the afternoon.  I could have gone back to sleep after supper, but I thought I better get up and move around.  I had to have my annual watch of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”  I slept through “The Polar Express” earlier.  I didn’t go to sleep very soon after going to bed, but did sleep until almost 10:00 this morning.  I haven’t had a lot of ambition today – eyes bothering me the most – but Guy has made a nice batch of potato soup.  We have the best recipe for this!  I better go an eat a little – not much of an appetite, but that soup generally hits the spot for me.

Here is another bonus – the stock market went up 1084 points!  The most in history!  (it will take a while to regain what it has lost in the last few weeks.)

Thursday (I guess that is tomorrow – I somehow lost a day and thought I had another one) is the next lab day that tells whether I can take the next round of chemo.  Have to make some kind of decision in the next day or two.  I trust God will give me some kind of direction.  Chemo day on Friday and the next two days are no problem – it’s the hell you have to go through for the next 1 ½ weeks.  I may ask if the dosage can be reduced.  Dr. Page mentioned that once to me.

Each night when I go to bed, I visualize myself in Jesus’s arms and focus on Him.  He tells me it’s OK – He will not leave me.

And…..as always….I’m in His hands.

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