This has been a rough week and a half. Usually I don’t stay down – I can pick myself up pretty quickly. But the last few days have been difficult. I’ve almost been able to seethe cancer spreading over my head. Even though I have the new medication, it is not going to be another “Mekinist”. I know I’ve only been on it for three days now, but, in reality, the outlook is rather bleak.
The Fair starts in another week. Those of you who know me, know how much I love The Kansas State Fair. If I get to feeling like I can go, I have to realize that this will be my last fair. I just know it will be.
I had hoped and planned to host our LRHS reunion in 2020 In our home that is actually big enough to do that this time. I was looking forward to seeing one person that was not able to make it last year. I’m quite sure that is not going to happen. I’m just hoping to get to celebrate Christmas this year.
I’ve started my “Things You Need to Know After I’m Gone” lists for my kids and for Guy. Just practical things like where to find this or that, like passwords.
It doesn’t mean that I’ve given up, or that I’ve stopped fighting. I guess when you don’t feel particularly good, it is hard to keep the cheerful positive attitude. I’m used to feeling pretty good along the way. My side has really been hurting the last 3 days, and my swollen eyes make it so hard to read; my sore fingers make typing and retyping so arduous.
I guess when you just get sick and die or die in an accident, you don’t have all this lead time to think about it. The always needing to have my ducks in a row and be organized is driving me a bit crazy. The fixer in me is trying to fix what I do have control over. I just hate the thought of having to leave lots of odds and ends undone for those I leave behind. But then, probably no one cares anyway! J
I don’t mean to complain, but sometimes I just have to let it all out, and I guess this is good a place as any to do just that.
I need to go to bed and perhaps tomorrow will be a brighter day. Love y’all!!
As always……I’m in His hands…….
God bless you. I don't know a stronger person than you. I don't another person that has endured so much and remained so loyal in faith and hope. You are an amazing person and it breaks my heart and spirit to see what you have been through but I will continue to pray for you all. I would never look at you as giving up, who could? I look at you in total admiration, I always admired your intellegence, I always admired you as a great mother, a great wife, a talented lady, beautiful, fun and a very strong Christian lady that I have always admired. But I must say your strength and knowlege and documumentaion with illustration of this battle you are fighting is once again proof that you don't quit and should be published in Medical Journals and elsewhere for others that need strenght. I will always admire you, you are a hard passionate fighter in everything you do. You are beautiful, intelligent and stronger than anyone I know so get some rest and feel better. Praying!!
ReplyDeleteSending good wishes your way. Sometimes it's just one foot in front of the other and march. This must be so hard. I cannot imagine. Love reading your blog, however.
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