Thinking about some things...I know, that can be dangerous.

Writing some of my thoughts today….

I don’t often write out a lot of my inner thoughts, because many of them aren’t very inspirational.  I try not to go down those paths because they don’t really take me anywhere, but I’m just being realistic today for some reason.  I used to tell Guy not to be so negative, and he would always tell me, “I’m not negative.  I’m just being a realist.”  Well, here I am…..

I just got to thinking this morning of my parents, and how they lived into their 90s.  And so did Guy’s parents.  When that is all you know, you just kind of naturally assume that is what you will do also – when you’ve lived a good, clean, healthy life.  That would give me another20+ years!  Can you imagine the things I could accomplish if had another 20 years?!?!?!  Wow! Well, I’d probably not be productiveall those 20 years, but just thinking that I had those would be amazing. But I don’t.  Never in a million years did I think that my life would end like this.  That I would get an incurable cancer – a rare, aggressive cancer – right in the prime of my retirement years.  I asked myself this morning, “Do I feel cheated?”  Well, yes, I feel cheated!!  

 OUCH!

Look at all the things I’ll miss:

My oldest grandchild just turned 17.  I will miss getting to see him as a handsome groom, waiting for his bride-to-be to walk down the aisle.

I’ll miss getting to hold my first great grandchild. And all the great grandchildren after that.  And you know how much I love babies!!

I’ll miss spending time with my kids when they come home.

I’ll miss the celebration of holidays – fixing the traditional meals that I’ve fixed for years.  (I already miss being able to do that now.  I hate the changing times of not being able to do as I did in years past.)

I’ll miss getting to travel to see relatives and friends that I miss so much now.

I’ll miss the times of just sitting in my house with Guy – doing nothing in particular. And riding to Hutch, McPherson, Lyons – and listening to Audible books together.  And having our evening Bible studies together.

I’ll miss being able to play my keyboard in church.  I’ll miss my church and all my dear friends there.

I’ll miss being able to create quilts and wall hangings and baby quilts for those great grands – going to quilt guild meetings and feeling the urge to run out and buy fabric to make that quilt I fell in love with, being able to just sit among all my fabrics, patterns and books and plan my next project.

I’ll miss being able to travel to Colorado and see the mountains again, and most of all being able to see Jeannine’s new house.

I’ll miss my grandkids and being able to hear all about what they are doing and what is important to them.  I miss nowbeing able to go to Dylan and Chris’ soccer games.

I’ll miss my dear little Annie and being able to take walks with her and have her sit on my lap in the evenings as she cleans her feet and face and then falls asleep until time to get into her bed. It grieves me to think of her sitting by the door day after day, waiting for me to come home as she did when I spent a week in the hospital last January.

But then I guess there are a few things I won’t miss:

CANCER – this EVIL thing that has stolen so much of my life!  This EVIL thing that has distorted my face, messed up my vision, caused pain and stress, captured so much of my time and thoughts, taken my hair, and turned my whole .  life .  upside  . down. 

I won’t miss cold, windy weather.

I won’t miss doing laundry and folding clothes.

I won’t miss trying to figure out what to fix for lunch and supper. Well….Guy actually does most of that anymore, but I feel guilty not being able to do that, even though I don’t like doing it.  I never did really like to cook.  If I had ever won the lottery or Publisher’s Clearing House, I’d immediately have hired a cook and house keeper.  But we don’t do lottery – don’t believe in it. However, the other day, Guy jokingly said, “(With your luck of getting this extremely rare cancer,) maybe you should have bought a lottery ticket.”  Let’s see……what could I do with 1.6 BILLION dollars??????  This little church here wouldn’t know what hit them with that kind of tithe!!!

I won’t miss all the political bombardment and evil people wanting to take us away from our constitution and foundational values.

I won’t miss tornados, floods, hurricanes, sirens, and bad news.

I’m quite sure that as I sit here thinking about all this STUFF, if I could just get a tiny glimpse of heaven, all this would simply pale in comparison.  My brother once told me, as his SS class was studying about heaven, “If heaven is so great, why do we work so hard to stay here on earth???”  

Well, lest you think I’m on my last leg, I’m not ready to kick the bucket yet, praise the Lord!!  I just know that I don’t have another 20 years, and that makes me sad…….

But as always…..I’m in His hands……