I’m not Wonder Woman….sniff

I woke up this morning with a disturbing realization…..I . am . not .  Wonder .  Woman.  I’m sure that comes as no surprise to you, but all my life, I’ve thought I was!  Oh, not the beautiful Linda Carter…..I would never pretend to be her.  But I’ve lived my life in such a way that if I set my mind to do something, I pretty much got it accomplished.  Not that I didn’t have plenty of help along the way.  I’m not bragging or boasting that I’m any kind of self-made woman.  I’ve very much needed the Lord by my side all the way. Always been very dependent upon Him!

But I think I’ve felt I was different somehow.  I’ve always met challenges head-on.  There isn’t much that gets me down.  I was the strong one.  Being a nurse, and knowing what was going on with diseases, I think I thought that gave me some kind of edge. I know….crazy, isn’t it??  I’ve really looked at this cancer journey as just that – a journey – keep moving, and you’ll get through it.  I never stopped to consider the emotional toll it would take on me. 

I was talking with Jeannine this morning – she always has a way of putting things in perspective for me.  Of course, I know that this stinking sinus infection has kicked me to the core this week and greatly discouraged me.  When you have a fever, you feel lousy – just no other way to describe it. And I have not been able to kick this fever yet.  ARGH!  Things that ordinary have no effect on me – those that I ordinarily just let roll off my back – are really starting to get to me.  I’m finding it very hard to de-stress.  I know that lack of sleep is a big factor!!  I’m very much aware if that. 

For example – all this political and controversial stuff on Facebook.  It upsets me, and I can no longer deal with it.  I went into the settings and unfollowed all those posting a constant barrage of it.  Click, click, click – felt good!  I’m a Christian and a conservative, as are most of my friends, and I’m just fed up with all this nasty, vile, disgusting, display of evil in the media.  I don’t want to hear it; I don’t want to see it; I don’t want to think about it.  It is disrupting my healing process, and I cannot allow it to continue.  All I want to see are inspirational things, prayer requests and prayer support, quilts and quilt tips, pictures of children, grandchildren, pets, beautiful nature scenes – the OLD Facebook!  So I just had to take care of that.  I mean no harm or disrespect to others.  I just have to do this for me.

As I talked to Jeannine, she told me about how she had learned to go to her “safe place” to reduce her anxiety, and how imagery really helped her.  We talked about looking into support groups or perhaps just a support individual, since I might not be ready to hear and take on the issues of a group yet.  We don’t hesitate to see a doctor for our physical needs – we should not hesitate to address our mental and emotional needs as well.

After lunch, Guy left to go to a shooting range.  Bless his heart, he just needed to get out and have some fun.  That left the house very quiet.  There were no TVs on, no radio, just silence…..blessed silence!!  I sat down in my very comfortable recliner, and began to go through some papers that needed filing.  Here is what I found among those papers.

It was a list of Scriptures that I had printed before my 1^st surgery that I took to the hospital.  As I sat there in my “safe place”, I read over these Scriptures, then I began to pray these Scriptures.  I poured out my heart to my Comforter, and it wasn’t long until the most blessed peace came over me. 

I still felt awful, physically – just couldn’t get this fever to break.  I sat in the recliner covered up most of the afternoon – WRONG thing to do!  Got over-heated.  Fever shot up to over 101 – highest so far.  I finally forced myself to get up, drank a bunch of water (ack – nasty water, even out of the bottle – chemo has got my taste buds).  I got out a frozen banana, some frozen raspberries, some blueberries, and a little vanilla ice cream and made a smoothie.  I thought, “I’ll attack this fever from the inside!”  It did make me feel better, and by supper time, I actually felt like cooking a little.  Amazing how much better you feel when a fever breaks – and how WET you get!!!!

I guess I can share that it is now official – we spent the evening on the phone with our realtor, signing the contract on our Alabama house that she had emailed us.  Last night we were presented with an offer.  We countered, and they accepted it.  They have no house to sell and want to “close FAST!”  Woo hoo!!!!!!  What a LOAD off my shoulders!!!! Unless something unforeseen happens, we will no longer own property in Alabama once the contract closes – probably in early March.  We did not get what we had hoped for, but it was far more than we had been offered by anyone else, so we could not pass it up, and it will enable us to make our deal here.  Yep, God meets our NEEDS – not all our WANTS.  And that leads me to another thing – God’s timing.  March is tax reassessment time – my agent said it would not be good if the assessors came out and found our house vacant – I don’t understand it, but it would mess up our tax rate.  So, we are going to make it by the hair of our chinny chin chin!! 

God’s timing……when will I let it be *my* timing as well??????  Oh, my!  That is something that I just simply struggle with.  Always have!  Come on, admit it….who of us has not struggled with that?!  In my head, I know it is going to happen in His time, but in my heart, I want to see around that corner!!!  He knew that if that house sold when WE had wanted it to sell, we would have done something foolish, in our haste, with that money – and this other house only just came on the market a couple of weeks ago. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

You’re, right, Lord…….You always are…..and I’m still a work in progress.  I’m SO glad He never gives up on me.

And as always……..I remain in His hands…….