Just raw, honest thoughts

Tuesday

So many thoughts rolling around in my head today – and yesterday. Thoughts that I should probably not be thinking, much less writing, but if I don’t get them out, my brain may burst. After chemo Friday (3^rdround), I had good days, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Since that time, it has been very bad.  I’m not going to sugar-coat it.  I’ve felt lousy.  Very weak, had to get fluids Monday.  It helped, but didn’t bounce back as in the past.  Very weak with low BP today as well.  It’s hard to describe how I feel.  Just very dejected and discouraged.  Each time I get chemo, some unusual VERY irritating side effect shows up – now a terribly uncomfortable raw, burning rash.  (I can’t have the nausea – for which I have medication…no…always weird stuff.) Nothing seems to help this skin rash in a very miserable area.

With my kind of cancer – it is very rare (so no really good studies for pertinent, specific medication), very aggressive, and no known cure.  Yes, I know God could just miraculously heal me, but He has not, and in all honestly, it does not appear that He is going to – here on earth.  Goodness knows, I’ve prayed my heart out over that.  And I know many of you have, too – and believe it will happen.  I do hope you are right – please keep believing.  

Wednesday

Who is the man in the Bible who people kept holding his arms in the air, and as long as they did, he kept winning the battle?  I’m simply too weak right now to do that for myself.

So, in thinking about the incurable cancer…..how long do I hold on?  Am I just putting off the inevitable?  Is the extra time worth this miserable effort? I don’t know.  I guess that is what ever terminal cancer patient eventually has to ask themselves.  These are the questions that hound my doorstep these days.  If I knew I was going through this (and the chemo IS working and showing signs of improvement all the time, but never KILLS it!), and I would be cured, and could live several more productive years with some semblance of a fair quality of life, I could stand going through this misery a little better. My brother’s words years ago keep echoing in my mind, “If heaven is so great, why do we try so hard to stay here on earth???”  I have to wonder that myself.  I’ve said so many times, even though I don’t understand it, and SURELY DO NOT LIKE IT, there has to be a purpose.  Some of the purposes that I thought would surely be involved have NOT come to pass yet, and that is VERY discouraging.  If I could see particularly 2 events happen, I could say my purpose is fulfilled, and now I can go on to heaven.  And frankly, they may not happen until I’m gone.  And that breaks my heart.  I would just love to have the peace of knowing those 2 things are done.  If the “circle” gets broken, then it would have been better that I had not even been born.  I MUST see all my family in heaven!!!!

Anyway, I have to ask myself, how long do I reasonably hold on and fight this?  I know I cannot make any decisions when I’m so down, I’m looking up at a snake’s belly. That is not the time to try to think rationally.  When I’m up, I consider living forever – however long that is.  Jeannine suggested that I keep a little journal and rate my days from 1-5.  Then look back over the numbers periodically.  When the 5s (bad days) are far outweighing the 1s, it gives a more objective picture and helps a bit more in the decision process.  

Jeannine helped me look at this perspective, too.  So many people are praying and so supportive of me, and for that I will FOREVER be grateful, because I know without a doubt I am still here as long as I am due to prayers.  So many people tell me how strong I am, how inspirational I am, what a witness I am, how this and how that.  That is a lot to live up to day in and day out.  Some days I’m none of that!  And then I feel guilty not being able to live up to people’s expectations. The hard, cold truth is I can’t live forever.  At some point, I’m going to need permission to move into my heaven mansion – or pup tent – or whatever is being prepared for me.  I don’t really care – so long as I eventually get there.  Now, don’t everyone suddenly give me permission now!  J  I’m not quite ready yet to make that decision, but at some point, it will have to come.  

You see the craziness in my life right now?  Most people (certainly me) go through life not thinking about when they are going to die – it will happen someday – just don’t want to think about it now – have too much living to do.  That’s natural.  Something would be wrong with the average person if they focused all the time on death and how they might die.  I certainly lived all my life that way – focusing on life, and living of my Savior. But when you are put into a position where you have a terminal disease, you are forced to think about death and how you are going to die.  And I’m not obsessing about it either.  I’m not necessarily afraidof dying.  I know with hospice, you are made as comfortable as can be, and I do know that, for me, to absent from the body is to be with the Lord.  I just don’t want to go yet!!!!  And I don’t like this suffering along the way.  A lot of people suffer more than I do – I’m no poster child for suffering.  I look a some of those people in the infusion chairs when I get my chemo and think – well, at least I’m not dealing with that!  Certainly, there are Christians around the world that are dying for their faith.  Christ suffered an agonizing death for ME!  So that I could have eternal life with him forever and forever.  My suffering certainly pales in light of that! 

But when you are in the depths of hurting – physically and/or mentally, it seems as if the whole world is sitting on your shoulders.  And you just want it to all go away.

I know if I pour this all out to Dr. Powers when I go to see him, he will just say that perhaps it is hospice time.  He is a very compassionate man, and I just love him, but I realize he is a very practical man, too, dealing with cancer patients all the time.  He can’t save them all.  So far, he has always had “another treatment” to suggest for me.  I guess when he runs out of options, perhaps that will be my sign.  

At this point, at least, I do not believe that God has turned lose of me. Don’t think I haven’t questioned Him…..I guess until that time, I’ll just try to do my best to remain in this “terribly rocking boat” right now.

And as always……I’m in His hands…..(please don’t let go of me!!!!)