Monday, December 5, 2016

A Day of Big Tears…….

This has been a day of crying…….crying, crying, and some more crying.  Just haven’t wanted to write about it. 

I got up this morning and felt good.  I decided it was time to try to get my hair washed and look presentable again.  I hadn’t even taken any Tylenol when I went to bed last night.  So I took a shower, dried my hair, and styled it a little bit.  It looked pretty good from the front.

And then there is the back……always the back! :)

A dear friend called me from Little River and updated me on the happenings there.  She said, “I hear you are coming home soon!”  I told her that I sure hoped to be able to after the 15th.  It was so nice to talk to her.  I was telling her how I hated to miss all the Christmas festivities that were going on there!

As soon as I got my hair fixed we went out to eat breakfast at Einstein’s Bagels.  Today was to be the warmest day of the week, so we decided to get to the grocery store.  Later this week, snow is forecasted.  Yikes!  Not ready for that.  All I have here are 3 long sleeve T-shirts and a couple zip-up sweat shirts.  I figured we could get home before the really cold weather set it.

We had not been back long from the bagel place when I got a call from Dr. Mammen’s office.  It was his PA, Dr. Ramero.  She wanted to know how I was doing.  I told her I was good.  The 1st couple of days were rough, but I was doing good now. She then said that the pathology report was back from last Wednesday’s surgery, and the margins were not clear.  WHAT?????  NOT . CLEAR!!!!  My whole world came crashing down around me and turned upside down.  She said I needed to come to his office this Thursday at 1:50 and talk about the next surgery, and it would involve the plastic surgeon.  It never occurred to me that he might not have gotten it all – just never entered my mind!  I hung up the phone and wailed!  I cried and I cried and I cried.  How could this be??????  Why, why, why????? God, I can’t do this anymore!!!!  I just . can’t .  do . this!!!!  I don’t want any more surgery!!!!!!  How can I do this all over again?????  It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair!!!!!  I thought I was through with all this and going to be able to go home!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

After I basically just couldn’t cry any more, I called her back – got a voice mail, but she did call back fairly soon.  I told her I was in such shock when I talked to her, but I needed her to know that we could NOT wait on this next surgery.  This cancer was viscous, and I could not wait until it went to my skull again.  I said If I waited until Thursday and then had to wait another week for the surgery, that was too long.  I made sure she knew that this was URGENT!!!  I would come tomorrow if there was an opening.  She assured me that she was working diligently to set everything up.  She had tried to contact the plastic surgeon, but he was in surgery.  She said he was good about getting back to her.  Dr. Mammen was out of town tomorrow, so the surgery would not be then.  She did say that sometimes he does surgery in the evenings if he cannot get on the daytime schedule.  I said that was fine – I would come in in the middle of the night if I needed to!  I just wanted this done ASAP!  I didn’t want it to go far enough that he would have to do another FLAP!  YOU CAN’T HAVE MY RIGHT ARM FOR A FLAP!!!!!  My right arm is MINE!!!!  She thought that even though it would require some plastic surgery, it probably would just require a graft.  There’s no guarantee, of course.  The plan would most likely be Dr. Mammen removing more tissue.  Then he would wait for the path report to make sure it was clear.  Then Przylecki would do the closure with a graft.  Thus 2 more surgeries.  And another donor site to heal.   *sigh*

I talked with Guy and cried.  I talked with my daughter and cried.  I talked with my sister and cried.  I texted with my son who was in NY waiting for his flight home.  I got two cards from my sister today – both of which I needed, but made me cry. 

I have pretty much spent the day grieving.  Grieving the loss of continued recovery.  Grieving the loss of going home for Christmas.  Grieving the loss of more of my scalp! Grieving over yet ANOTHER setback. Grieving over the thought of more pain.  

God……are you there????????

Until now, I’ve been disappointed that I had to take chemo.  Now……I’m practically begging for it.  As soon as these surgeries are over, let’s get that show on the road.  KILL this viscous monster!!!!!!

I just don’t know what else to say………

As always, I’m in His hands……..but I don’t feel like it right now!!

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