I guess mostly I am
numb. I didn’t get to sleep last night
until after 3:30. It was one of those
nights where everything itched. Crazy! I
got up twice to look for something to put on this little bump on my neck. I think it was one of those oak mite
bites. It was in an area that was just
barely numb, and not enough feeling to satisfy it when you scratched. As I was
looking in the mirror to try to see it on the back of my neck, there staring me
in the face was a tiny discolored bump – just to the left of my flap – just above
the top of my ear. Why am I just now
seeing that???? I haven’t been looking
for bumps around that area – where the 1st surgery occurred. I kept watching for something to crop up near
the newest surgery. I tried to tell
myself it was just part of the healing stitches area; it just couldn’t be
another bump. So went back to bed. I couldn’t get to sleep so I got back up, went
down stairs and got my ear buds out of my purse, dialed in Pandora, and found
some soft Percy Faith strings music.
That helped calm me and helped me fall asleep.
This morning I asked Guy to
look at this bump, and I took a picture of it.
Honestly, it looked just like the 3rd one did. I didn’t know what or how to think about
it. All I knew was that I had an
appointment with Dr. Mammen, and I would show it to him.
I was sitting in the dining
room after breakfast, letting a little sun shine on my back, staring off into
space.
Guy: What are you pondering
so hard?
Me: Oh….just thinking,
Guy: Stinkin thinkin?
Me: Probably….
I saw my surgeon this
afternoon, thinking he would tell me when the next surgery is. As I was in the room waiting, I thought I
felt another bump on the right side of the flap. It is hard to view that area because it’s
where the hair is growing back in.
One of his associates came in first. I told him that I thought I found two
more. He looked carefully, but didn’t
make any commitment. He just said, “I’ll
tell my boss, and he’ll be in here shortly.”
He made some comment that they were working on the surgery
schedule. That made me suspect that
something might be up, because the PA had told me that the date of the surgery
would be set for sure when I came for this appointment. When Dr. Mammen came in, he went straight to
my head. I showed him the two that were
suspicious, and he immediately said, “I don’t the looks of those, nope, don’t like
them at all.” He said that he had
visited with Dr. Powers this morning, and they came to the conclusion that more
surgery at this time would not be the best plan, but that I should start chemo
right away, and attack the source of this issue. He could remove these spots, but unless we
addressed the source of the problem, they would just continue to pop up. He said, “Let’s do chemo for 6 months, and if
no more spots appear, we will figure that the chemo got those cancer cells we
could not see. Then we’ll address the
areas that we *do* see and remove them at that time.” I had a feeling that it might be a plan like
that. He said he would not remove the
stitches at this time, but come back in two weeks to have that done. He wants to see me once a month during the
chemo months. I will monitor those spots
in the meantime. (Have got good baseline
pictures of them.) I asked him about that last path report and did it tell him
where the non-clean margins were – on the edges of the incision or underneath
what he removed. He said it was just on
the edges of the incision. For some
reason, that made me feel a bit better – to think that the cancer was not
underneath and trying to eat into my skull.
I don’t know that that made a dime’s worth of difference, but I guess I
was looking for *something* to feel good about.
I asked if the chemo would affect the spots already there. He said probably not, but he hoped to stabilize
the whole situation. I told him I just
did not want another flap – I didn’t want my right arm to feel like my left arm
does now. And I told him (with a
quivering voice) I just could not ride this roller coaster anymore! So I decided that the plan sounded like a
good one. I think I’m at least glad I’m
not going to have to have surgery again right away. I was not looking forward to taking a huge
patch out of the top of my head; then carrying around a pump connected to a drainage
tube coming out the top of my head for a week until Dr. Przylecki could do the
closure. And have another donor site to contend with. It may still happen at a later date, but I’ll
get up for it then if I have to. Right
now, I have to concentrate on getting through the chemo.
Dr. Powers will call me
either tomorrow or Monday to get the chemo started. I don’t know if they will start it here or
set me up at Hutchinson. I want to go
home, but I still have to see Przylecki on the 14th about my arm and
leg. My arm is almost healed, but my leg
has some to go. Then I have to see
Mammen on the 22nd. We’ll
probably just stay here through Christmas then.
I don’t know. It will all depend on
where and when the chemo is administered. They may start it here, get me
through all these appointments, and then transfer me to Hutch.
I’m just going to go with the
flow…..have no other choice. God and dear
friends and family continue to fill my “strength jar”, and I’m forever grateful
for that. I’m trying to stay on a little
more even keel – not let the highs be so high and the lows not be so low. I’ve come to realize that there is no “normal”
anymore, so I’ve quit trying to pretend there will be (I think I have –
working on it anyway). I don’t want to
be pessimistic or give up hope, but just trying to be more realistic, because
the fact of the matter is, this thing, for the time being, is getting ahead of
us. We are NOT getting ahead of it – in fact
we are not even EVEN with it. The most I
can hope for right now is that we slow it down enough to overtake it in the
long run. I’m trying to be more
realistic because I’m sick of getting my hopes being dashed again and
again! The up-down, up-down teeter
totter riding is wearing me out!
So now I wait again for yet
another call. Things in a large medical
community move like m o l a s s e s in January.
As always, I’m in His hands…..
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